Episode 12: Discipline?

This week we are talking about disciplining our kids. Nicole shares some current parenting struggles she is dealing with and we all commiserate together. If parenting advice is what you’re looking for - you aren’t going to get it here. We do share some ideas, but mostly, we are all a mess and just trying to figure it out together.

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Show Notes and Resources:

If you have any advice or good stories about discipline, we don't know what we're doing and we would appreciate hearing from you! You can email us at womenafpodcast@gmail.com or you can reach out to us on social media.




This episode topic was requested by our Patron, Lori. Become a Patreon supporter for exclusive behind-the-scenes material, to vote on topic ideas, get a bunch of great freebies and more at www.patreon.com/womenafpodcast.

Women AF is produced by Mortar Box Media and Engineered by Adam Rostad. 

Intro and Outro Music is SQZ by Shane Ivers. Check him out at silvermansound.com.



Transcript for Episode 12: Discipline?

Please note: this transcript is for anyone who needs to or would prefer to use a transcript than listen to the episode. We do our best but please excuse errors in the transcript. 

Women AF 0:00
This is a mortar box media podcast for more podcasts and to learn how we can help you create your own. Visit mortarboxmedia.com

Danie 0:17
Welcome to Women AF podcast a podcast hosted by three friends who don't really know what's going on in life, but we're all trying to figure it out together. Today I'm joined by my friends Nicole and Carrie.

Nicole 0:30
That was a great intro. For awhile you had me going like, that was the same intro we normally do.

Danie 0:37
The only thing that was the same was Welcome to and Three Friends... and the name. The name of the podcast. Oh, yeah. Okay. So how's everyone week? How is everyone's week?

Carrie 0:56
Here we go again.

Adam 0:59
How is everyone week?

Danie 1:02
again I hey, I said we didn't know what was going on. Further evidence. That's true. I was being honest. That's true. Anybody? Anybody?

Nicole 1:14
I got a story.

Danie 1:15
All right, go.

Nicole 1:17
So my youngest daughter is 13 months old. And for a long she's walking and for a long time, she started taking the diaper. Like she took the diapers, took wipes, took the changing pad, took them over to me, and laid them down because she had a full diaper.

Carrie 1:41

Nicole 1:42
It is but it also scares the crap out of me because that means it's like a sign that I'm supposed to start potty training. I'm like she's 13 months old. I don't want to start potty training. Wait, I'm not ready but

Carrie 1:54
the way you did it with your first Yeah. Was you did a full on stay at home.

Danie 2:01
Oh, yeah, you did.

Nicole 2:02
Yeah, I did

Carrie 2:04
You don't have to do. All I'm saying is if she's showing the signs of like really knowing how to do this, yeah, it might be a lot easier than you think. Because I never did that.

Nicole 2:14
My first did too. And that's why I did it like that is because she was showing signs that she really wanted to so I'm like, Alright, if you want to, let's just do it. So then when I were like, let's just do it.

Carrie 2:24
Alright. Well, you don't have to like... all I'm saying is give it some time. Yeah, let it settle in. Oh, like doing it for two. My second one. He just did it. Like really? He could do it. It was easy. Yeah. When we were like here, this is how we're doing it go on the potty. He was like, all right. And that was just how he did after that. And he like he didn't have accidents. It was Yeah. So if you give it some time, you know, you don't have to just jump right on it. You definitely don't have to do that.

Danie 2:54
You could also be like a real casual way to do it. Where Kind of like... the other thing that you could do is what we did with Nova where it seems like she has to go the bathroom you're like, Hey, you want to sit there? And like, play with your tablet on the toilet. Like that's kind of how we did it. It took a really long time, but it felt really Yeah, not stressful.

Nicole 3:31
That's good.

Carrie 3:32
Well, my saying is you don't have to do anything. At any certain time. Yeah, let it cook. let it marinate. I'm going to

Nicole 3:41
Yeah, I don't want to. She's too young she can't even say mama Yeah, like she's Wait, she she is too young.

Carrie 3:47
Like like now would not be the time so just don't stress Yeah.

Danie 3:52
Or you can like take longer and just let her keep bringing you diapers.

Nicole 3:56
Yeah, and she throws them away. Like I fold them up and then she's like she grabs them from me and goes and throws them away. That's always the good.

Danie 4:05
Yeah, man. If anything, like keep up this healthfulness a little bit longer like this sounds way better than changing. Oh, you know pants that got peed on.

Nicole 4:16
Yeah, true. Anyway that's what I've been dealing with. Well she sounds like a fun part honestly. Yeah, just too smart. There you go.

Carrie 4:24
That's a good thing. Nice, huh?

Danie 4:29
Carrie, You got any stories from the week?

Carrie 4:30
Uh, not really what I've been doing pretty hardcore since we last talked is selling Girl Scout cookies. That's been my life. like, I'm always trying to like find ways like how can I sell the next box of cookies? And it's it's pretty interesting. I've sold to like, you know, the next door app are you guys on next door.

Danie 4:51

Nicole 4:52
I'm not

Carrie 4:52
I sold to strangers on next door like hey so and so on. No you but all right. So do you know what one of my biggest places where I get a lot of sales is? You'll never believe it. No. The dentist. The dentist. Yeah, the whole crew they love buying cookies from us.

Danie 5:19
That's awesome. Maybe they hand them out to customers so they have more customer might be correct. Yeah, that's probably that would be smart. It makes sense. I mean, yeah. Hey, come into the dentist. Get a free cookie. Yeah,come back. Get a free cavity. They're not free pay for it.

Carrie 5:36
Not free at all

Danie 5:37
Well, The cavity is free fixing it... Yeah.

Carrie 5:41
Yeah. So that's been my that's been my obsession lately.

Danie 5:46

Carrie 5:47
What about you?

Danie 5:47
Well, so Saturday was nice day. It was beautiful. It was and I was no and I it wasn't even Saturday. It was Sunday. It was even more beautiful. Yeah. I didn't even know what day it was. I was getting over the flu. I was mostly over it. And I decided I really wanted to go for a bike ride.

Carrie 6:09
And weird because it was a lovely day but there's also still a lot of snow and ice. Oh, yes. Okay,

Danie 6:16
but also, I haven't probably like gone for a bike ride and like 20 years ago,

Carrie 6:22

Danie 6:23
I went for one bike ride when we got some new bikes from some friends of ours who were moving to test them out in 2015. And that was the last time I've been on a bike that wasn't a stationary bike. So I got my bike down that I've had since high school, and it probably hasn't been like you know, maintained since then. No. So probably like as poor thing has not seen great days. Like it's just been up in the garage for this time anyway. So I mean, we only had a hand pump so I had to hand pump the tires.

Carrie 7:04
Why were you doing this?

Danie 7:06
I know I really wanted to go on a bike.

Carrie 7:10
By yourself?

Danie 7:11
Yeah, okay, I just really want to go for a bike ride and swapped out the seats for the more comfortable like old lady seat. And then I was ready to go. But I had to have Daniel help me pump up the back tire even more. Anyway, sorry, as before I'm leaving. He's like, do you need the triple A card? gonna be okay. I'm fine. It's a bike. It can't be that bad. Anyway, so we live on the top of a little hill. And so as I'm going down the hill, down our block, I passed one of our neighbors and I was like, hey, and he's like, Hey, your back tire is kind of flat and I was like shoot. And I was also like, you're going downhill so you don't really have to pedal. But then like as I started to Need to pedal I noticed the pedals weren't like catching the gear. They're just kind of spinning. And I was like, well that doesn't seem right. Is it in the wrong gear? How do I do this gear? Do I need higher lower so I'm like trying to shift gears and like they're still not catching and I'm like, Okay, well stop sign get off. I checked the tire like, Oh yeah, it is kind of flat. So I'm just gonna ride around the block and I'll fill it back up again. So I get off and I like look at the gears. I'm like, Okay, well the chain like kind of sticky but should be okay to go around the block, get back on, I turn the corner and like it locks up again. And like the, the pedals are just not pedaling. And I'm like what is happening so I get off the bike again. I see some people going for a walk behind me. It's it's nice day, and like standing next to my bike and I'm like, trying to like bent over to try to fix the gears. And before I know it, the bike is falling over as is am I and I landed in a heap on top of the bike. As all these people are walking behind me, that's fantastic. So I got up as quick as I could. And I was so embarrassed, I couldn't go half the block back to the house because it would have had turn and look at all the people that just saw me fall over onto my bike on the side of the road. But I couldn't ride the bike because the gear wasn't working. So I picked up my bike and I walked alongside it all the way around the block in the opposite direction because I didn't want them to see me and then I got home. And I Daniel's like, Why are you back so fast? And I burst into tears and I'm like I feel off my bike and he's like, are you okay? And I was like, wait, it really fall off of it. I was off of it. And I fell onto it and I have a big bruise on my shin. And he's trying so hard not to start laughing Wow. So anyway, that was the my bikeride, my first bike ride in like 20 years. Sounds like we heard Adam has a funny story to tell or an interesting story. A story.

Adam 10:09
Yeah. So funny. Interesting. Those are good, good, but I tried to so I haven't been on a bike ride in a long time. But I did try. I did try to go on a bike ride like four years ago. And this was you know, I'm on a workout kick now and like, I'm looking forward to summer to finally go on a bike ride again. But like four years ago, I was like 300 something pounds and it was like I could ride from midvale Boulevard down to concerts on the square and made it like an embarrassingly short amount away from our apartment and and then had to make the walk of shame walk of shame back because I couldn't like I was completely out of breath. But anyway, that's not my story. My story. You guys know that like a I don't want to name the podcast, but you guys Know that I am a big fan of a certain podcast that has a club that you have to pay to be in. And we actually talked about that club before. So there's a Facebook group that that once you're a paid member of the club, you can join and like, it's just a community of people. And it's really cool. And so we get new people in the club all the time. Because, you know, just like you guys should be doing, they mentioned they're like, they don't have a Patreon, but you guys should be mentoring, mentioning your Patreon. I don't remember if you did this episode or not.

Danie 11:34
We didn't. But we do have one. Oh, yeah, maybe.

Adam 11:37
Maybe after my story. Yeah. But so every episode of their podcast, they they plug the club and plug the club. Yeah. And so we get new people all the time. And like, you know, like when you're meeting people and like that can be weird and like you don't, especially over the internet. You don't really know how to read them and like, so there's this new guy who showed up like two and a half weeks ago and, like right away was very like, I'm in like, I need and crave your acceptance and like I want to be like, I'm gonna post every single day multiple times a day asking this and asking that and like he would post these these threads of like okay everybody puff out your cheeks and take a selfie and or like he would always ask for like weird selfies just like, but like, it's not super uncommon in the club where like, people will do something like we every week we do a What are you wearing today, selfie thread, and things like that. So but it just felt like, it's like longtime club members do those posts, and it felt like somebody's trying to gain acceptance and like, be in on something that like it was almost like, you don't have the right to be in on that yet. So then on Friday night, there was a post from a longtime member of the club, and it was a woman and she just said hey, I Just a reminder to all you guys and this is kind of tied into the last two episodes that that Women AF did about me too she was like if you're gonna send messages to women in the club, and you're going to be super creepy and whatever and you're married and blah, blah, all this stuff, don't think that we're not going to call you out. So then there was this big long, she didn't like actually call out this person. There's this big long discussion about like, it was weird to me because like guys in the club couldn't believe that other guys were being douchebags. And it's like, to me, I was like, Yeah, like, that's what Yeah. Like, as much as it pains me to admit it, admit it, it's like, that's kind of what we do, like just men in general. So yeah, that should not be super surprising. Um, but so then, so they weren't naming him and then this guy, it was this guy that had joined the club like two weeks ago. He got on that thread and Like, it's me, I did this thing where I would engage with these women in conversation and would ask them to do things and pretend it was a completely innocent thing. And then afterwards, I revealed to them that it was a fetish of mine, that they unbeknownst to them, were now engaging with me in and blah, blah, blah.

Danie 14:24
And he just volunteered that information.

Carrie 14:25
Yeah, that's really weird.

Danie 14:28
Yeah, that is really weird.

Adam 14:29
Well, it like, he volunteered. It's not like somebody was like, you know, we're gonna burn it down if you don't come and help but somebody did say, you know, if this person wants to reveal themselves, like, you know, we're all curious. And so he took that opportunity, but, um, so it turns out that like, what he was doing, and I don't quite understand how this so the reason I wanted to tell you guys this story is because I don't know how this could be presented to you from basically a stranger over the Internet that you have a very lose connection with and not have you think? What? So he was somehow getting these women to send him pictures or roleplay. So it either be sent him pictures or roleplay as somebody who is struggling to open a jar. So he would have have women like record themselves struggling to open a jar. Or he would like roleplay like, Hey, I'm doing this thing and here's this jar, it's impossible to open, why don't you try and open it and then they would be like, and they just so he was he had said that he is autism. And so like there were a lot of women who were just like, I think there's eight or nine women who like were involved with this. And a lot of them are like, Well, we know that he said he was had autism. Yeah, it was weird, but like we just kind of thought it was just how he was engaging and that's great. But then then, once they engaged, he was like, thank you so much. This is my fetish and blah, blah. And so is this huge violation of a there's no consent. And I was really interesting to see was like all these women being like, Who cares? Like if that's your thing like, weird but like, great man get your rocks off but like, you got to have like yeah be upfront. Yeah, yeah, but like how... I've been hesitant to ask this in the club because it can come off as like, how do you not know that fucked up thing? Like it's not an accusatory like victim blaming thing. It's genuine curiosity of like, oh, how Don't you understand like, because if if somebody asked me that out of the blue, I'd be like, I wouldn't I wouldn't think it was like sexual, but I'd be like, No, man, that's really fucking weird. Like, I'm not gonna do that. How does it get presented? Is there a way that could be presented to you that you're going to engage in it in any way with this guy was in his 40s

Carrie 16:51

Adam 16:54
I mean, what a weird fetish. Yeah, yeah. So I've not done. much research on the fetish side of it. But

Nicole 17:03
Did she say that he was married or married?

Adam 17:06

Nicole 17:08
And he was open about him being married.

Adam 17:11
Yeah. Was Facebook.

Nicole 17:14
Okay, yeah.

Carrie 17:14
Um, I think it just depends on how, how he approached it. He's sending us like, I would love to see one of those original messages. Yeah. He was like, Hey, Hey, lady, I don't know randomly like, right, do this. Yeah, that's bizarre.

Danie 17:34
I mean, my thought would be, hey, I'm doing a spoof on a...

Adam 17:43
That's the same kind of thing. I thought, yeah, yeah.

Danie 17:46
Like, what are those infomercials doing a spoof on an infomercial. For the group, I think it'd be really funny, especially since you're clearly one of like, the OG members or whatever, right? Like someone like that, because then it's Like, oh yeah, that would be a funny thing, right? Like the lady with a cereal bowl like, Oh, I don't know how to. Do you know what I mean? Like that's where my head would go.

Adam 18:09

Danie 18:10
Definite. I mean, to me personally, I wouldn't do it anyway just my thought is like, want to take the time to record a video for somebody I don't even know. Yeah,

Carrie 18:21
straight off if some buddy I don't know is messaging me? I'm like, nope.

Danie 18:26
Yeah, well, I'm probably not going to even respond...

Adam 18:28
That's right. But you do know them. You have like a weird? Yeah. tertiary connection. Right?

Nicole 18:34
True. My guess is it wasn't like an out of the blue like, Hey, can you open this up? I

Adam 18:39
don't think there was an initial like conversation.

Nicole 18:42
Yeah. And I'm guessing he casually after a while of talking, asked something like that. Yeah. them knowing or thinking that he had artistic tendencies. Just kind of been like Alright, well, sure.

Adam 18:57
Yeah. thinking it through. Well, now. It's called into question like, because there were several of us that knew something was going on with this guy from the beginning. Yeah. Or you knew is a weird, you know, in hindsight everybody knew, but, but we just there were several of us that was like, we have an intuition that this this guy's not gonna last very long here but also something's going on so now it's like the club has sort of like had a mini implosion of like how do we handle this? Because it's very much like we always refer to the club as like an experiment of like how can we be together like and live our lives together in this weird you know virtual world that Facebook is. But then what was even weirder is that there were several guys in the club who then came out and they're like, what's the big deal about being sliding into somebody's DMS? Like I've had girls send me like nudes before you know unasked for and I've never been offended And I don't understand why that's just automatically offensive. And like there was a lot of us that were like, because there's a like there's a huge you've never have you ever been concerned about being physically harmed by a woman like that alone. That's why there's a huge difference in a man doing that to a woman and a woman doing that to a man. But but so it's just been so strange because there's a lot of these people that I've known for a while now that I'm like, Oh, yeah, you're you're down and like you You understand like your hip and cool and understand that like, this is a real thing. And then they like revealed themselves as just being completely I don't want to say like, they were like, intentionally like douchebags or anything, but they're just ignorant. And like that is that was really revealing to a lot of us that because I can only speak for myself, you know, I can only go I would never do that. I would. I would never think that I I stand with women and I understand what they're saying. And believe them. It was just it was like suddenly like all these guys I know. knew it was like, You don't like how do you not anyway, so that's why it was really weird.

Nicole 21:05
I think that's what's different, though, is like enough to get too crazy. But what's different about what they were explaining is you can get unsolicited nude photos from people, like I've gotten that, whatever. But what's different is this gentleman asked for things from a woman right? To appease his fetish. Like that's where that line is drawn, where instead of just sending nudes and whatever, rather than he asked for participation without her knowledge of what he wanted with that stuff.

Adam 21:38
Yeah, like that's just as fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, not to get too seriously into the previous episodes, whatever, but I just it was so is like, struggling to open jars. Like what a specific thing?

Danie 21:52
Well, it's probably also something that's just so far out of somebody's idea of what a fetishes that they would like that never would have even been Come into a realm of possibility

Adam 22:05
That's bizarre anyway I don't want to take up any more time of your guys's I know you have something to talk about and all that don't forget to plug your Patreon

Danie 22:12
yes, we have a Patreon...

Nicole 22:19
subtle and I guess

Danie 22:21
we have three members now. And so our Patreon of the week is Anna. Thank you Anna, thank you Anna and she actually gave us some future topic ideas which you get to do if you are a Patreon. You can join our Patreon for as little as $1 and if you go up to our premium love ya like a sister tier, you get, you know, merch thank you cards stickers. You get to see a lot of exclusive content back to scenes content and Adam so generously offered three consultations. If you are interested in podcasting he is very helpful and has helped us sound like we are less of a mess than we are. A little bit. And you can find that at patreon.com/WomenAFpodcast. And if you ever get lost and need links to things WomenAFpodcast.com is our main website. You can listen to episodes you can find all of our links to social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Women AF podcasts and everyone's looking at me and laughing I don't know what I did

Adam 23:32
while I was laughing. I was laughing because you're like, you could listen to episodes. Like if they're hearing you say that.

Danie 23:40
Well, you can find more episodes. They're all of them. In fact,

Carrie 23:45
I just say what's so special about our, our newest Patreon person, what do you call her a Patreon patron patron patron. Okay, so Patreon Patrons Patreon patron Anna What's so special about Anna? She's not she's not related to any of us!

Danie 24:06
She's like, actual listener out in the wild. the wilds of Patreon.

Carrie 24:15
She's not bound by blood to like to support us. Yeah. Which is awesome.

Adam 24:22
Yeah. Is she bound by friendship though?

Danie 24:24
Well, I mean, she has to be she's like our first real friend on Patreon.

Nicole 24:30
Very special. Very special. You're gonna get a sticker.

Carrie 24:36
Right? Yeah, they get a sticker.

Danie 24:37
Yeah, yes, you're gonna get a sticker. If Nicole says you get a sticker you get us. So I Anna our friend, Yana. We're gonna have a party and invite three people.

And we'll be around party Adrian party. So patreon.com/WomenAFpodcast, you can be the next Patreon Patron of the week.

Carrie 25:02
Sounds weird. All right, I don't know.

Danie 25:04
But now we're gonna take a quick break.

Adam 25:08
Hey guys, it's Adam here. Just wanted to pop in real quick and tell you about my other podcast called Madison story slam, where we believe in building community through storytelling. If you've ever wondered what it's like to be diagnosed with and beat cancer, or having your first sexual experience, be in the shower at your Christian summer camp and be caught by the pastor. You should definitely tune in search Madison story slam on your favorite podcast app to find us and subscribe today.

Danie 25:43
And we're back. We are back and today we are going to be talking about a topic suggested by a patron not Anna but my mom. She asked us back several weeks ago when we were doing ore q&a about discipline? How do we discipline our kids? Does it change with different ages, etc. And we all felt too overwhelmed to answer the question in q&a. So we decided to cover it as a podcast topic.

Nicole 26:17
Let's first talk about what kids we have. Can you say ages?

Danie 26:21
Sure. Okay. I can say any. Should I say the age of my children are just age ages? 20? No. I have a three and a half year old. Okay. And I have a 14 months old.

Nicole 26:39
Yeah, yeah. Let's go with it. What you carrie?

Carrie 26:42
I have a nine year old and a six year old. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, as he would say it's six and three quarters.

Danie 26:50
Oh, all right. And you're sure about his age.

Carrie 26:55
Right? Yes, yes. Oh, I got it. I got it.

Nicole 26:59
I I have a 13 month old and a three and a half year old.

Carrie 27:04
Okay, you guys have the same kids basically. Yeah. Actually, our eldest children had the same due date.

Nicole 27:13

Carrie 27:14
That's adorable. Yep.

Danie 27:15
Yeah. And we were pregnant at the same time a second time.

Nicole 27:18
Yeah. Well, well, when you told us that, well, you told me that you were pregnant. That was when I the week I found out I was pregnant.

Danie 27:31
Oh, I inspired you. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I mean, I'm done. So if need to Oh, my buddy. Yeah, we are. I also. Okay. So, this question of discipline. How do you how do you discipline your kids?

Carrie 27:55
Nicole, you've expressed struggles lately. Tell us about what's going on with you.

Nicole 27:58
So My oldest is three and a half. I feel like sometimes she's 15, though, because she's just out of the age where she just has emotional temper tantrums, where like nothing helps nothing soothes and you don't know why. Or you know why, but it's like some stupid answer why she's tantruming. Now she's in like the malicious phase, where she's full out lied to my face multiple times, to the point of like, dinnertime is always a struggle. And we put, like a thing of food. We're like, Alright, you have to eat this mound of food right here in order to leave the table. And she ate a bite and then moved one piece away, eat another bite, move the piece away. And I'm kind of like slyly watching her half doing the dishes because it's been like two hours. And I walk over to her and I say, Did you eat all that food that was in that pile? And she goes, Yeah, I go. Did you move? No pieces on that pile away. No Mama. Are you? Are you sure? Cuz then I start questioning my own self. I'm like, man did she explain like, yes, you guess you did? I saw you. So I don't know if she's just not understanding what life is.

Carrie 28:12
none of us understand what life is.

Nicole 29:26
By no means think she knows. You know she's sneaky. She is sneaky. I know. How do you what do you do with that? Like we do timeouts.

Carrie 29:41
Are you concerned with how well she does it

Nicole 29:44
is Yeah, yeah. She doesn't give a hint of a smile and no, she. She believes it to the core, which kind of makes me think that she doesn't fully remember that she did that. Like she just so excited to be done. She's like, No, I didn't like it. Yeah, totally at all. That Yeah. But she also one time lied. I think I talked about this with Danie's daughter too. They got into trouble. And then I went down stairs to where they were and I was like, What did you do? There was like a big water mess. And I was like, What did you guys make this mess? Do you know what happened? And they said, No, I don't know anything. completely straight face, like looking in my eyes. Like, I don't know anything, Mama. I go, Oh, okay. And I started believing them. Like maybe they tossed a pillow and it chucked on the floor or something. Well, then I say, okay, okay. I believe you. I trust you, that you're telling the truth to me. And she giggles she puts her head down. And they like look at each other. Like they're conspiring, and they just like giggle like, wow, they just had the best lie and I'm like you already know how to lie. And I'm 100% confident it's my daughter teaching Danie's daughter.

Danie 31:00
I mean, I don't know. We recently had a phase with Nova where she was being a really big bully.

Nicole 31:09
Oh, really? Yeah.

Carrie 31:12
She's like pushing the little kids over at daycare. And because she's one of the bigger ones that they care, she's pushing the kids over and like trying to wrestle with Phoenix and really go well, I'm taking toys out of his hand and throwing up, put, you know, just a lot of pushing, and whatever, and he's just learning to walk. So when she pushed him, he just land on his face, which is really terrible.You know, stuff like that. And she recently stopped. Okay. With her, it was more about like, I think jealousy, you know, yeah. We haven't had a lot of the lying specifically though. She is starting To pretend and so I don't know if she always knows the difference, like between saying something that's not true and just pretending you know. So that's been kind of like a weird line because like she'll say she didn't do something, but then she'll like, be like, I didn't brush my teeth, or I brushed my teeth because I'm super kitty. I mean, I'm like, I know you didn't fit. You're telling me you did. A super kitty. So I guess it's just like,

Super Kittie brushed her teeth. But Nova didn't/

Danie 32:33
then I'm like, really confused on how to react.

Nicole 32:36
Yeah, cuz I'm like, how do you teach a kid? What a lie is? That's been my struggle. Like how do you teach them what truth is?

Carrie 32:46
It's so hard to Oh, man.

Danie 32:47
Yeah, there was a lot of wisdom. And that's, yeah.

Carrie 32:52
We can manage.

Nicole 32:55
There's no answer to it. Like I have no idea. Obviously. I'm still struggling.

Danie 32:59
Okay. Do you remember How your parents either of your parents talk to you about lying? No, no.

Nicole 33:04
Cuz we just knew. I don't know. I feel like we just knew. Well,

Danie 33:07
I lied a lot.

Carrie 33:09

Danie 33:10
When I was little... I mean stupid stuff. Like I remember things like did you make your bed and I'm like, Oh, I can't remember. I'm gonna go check. Go check and quick make it Yeah, yeah, I made my bed. I mean, like little things like that to not get in trouble.You got to remember

Nicole 33:27
but you knew it was lying. Like if you were at the age when you knew truth you knew

Danie 33:32
Yeah it was like elementary school because I was old enough to kind of have chores like making my bed.Yeah. Or did you brush your teeth? I let me check that was always the thing I said let me check

Carrie 33:45
I like it.. It's not that's not terrible because in the end you do it.

Danie 33:50
Yeah, right. Yeah, technically lying either cuz I did check right going and getting and doing it. Yeah, not full like All right. I know nothing of that.Right? I don't know what you're talking about. You are crazy.

Nicole 34:08
You gotta be insane.

Carrie 34:09
I mean, three and a half is very young to be talking about lies. Well, it's not that they don't understand it. It's just a heavy topic to discuss. Yeah, like, What language do you use around lies and truth? That's tough hate because yeah, I do know, I think they know. They know. Right,

Danie 34:31
right. But then they're probably also thinking, well, what's wrong with not eating my food or having spilled water on the floor? Right, like in their head. They're like, Well, why is that a problem?

Nicole 34:44
Yeah. Are they legit forgot? Like, we're so young that their attention span is so short, right? They literally could forget.

Carrie 34:52
I don't know. I don't know about that.

Nicole 34:54
No. Sometimes, she says like stupid stuff. She goes, No, I didn't see. So and So friend at daycare at all today. I'm like yes you did. I saw her.

Carrie 35:06
It's more of a Distraction thing, then a remembering. Yeah, like their memories are good. Yes, their memories are good. Maybe it's just distraction.

Danie 35:14
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or maybe it is she's also trying out pretend because this is the age that their imaginations start working yeah and so maybe it's hard to explain the difference between imagination and playing pretend in lying. Yeah, true. I mean, that's a difficult thing to write. Yeah. Because like, yeah, we want you to pretend and we want you to play. Yeah. But we also don't want you to lie, but only some things are important about lying and other things aren't that big of a deal? Right? Like if you're pretending something.

Carrie 35:44
Yeah, it's Yeah, too much for three and a half years too much for us. I know.

Danie 35:50
I don't know. Sorry. advices. We have no idea.

Nicole 35:52
Yeah. What do you guys do? plan in your house like what's the go to? Like we do timeouts. But that is Don't work. I don't think

Carrie 36:00
that's a thing. I never had success with timeouts. Really. No, only in the sense of if they're completely out of control, kind of emotional, hysterical or something and I just be like, you need to go take a timeout. yourself down that Yeah. And that's not even really a timeout. It's just like, you need to relax before we can get through any of this. Yeah. But I don't think I honestly don't think a timeout is super effective. And obviously, it depends on the kid. Yeah, every kid's gonna react differently, but like, I feel like a consequence should relate to the action. And a timeout just doesn't really do that.

Nicole 36:47
Yeah, so what what did you do?

Carrie 36:50
I mean, we definitely tried timeouts. Yeah. And it never, like I said, it was just never really different, never helped anything or fix anything. Made made anything change? So I think we just kind of give up on that. And also they would like one of them would completely freak out. You put them in timeout, just just complete freak out. You just couldn't deal and that doesn't. That's not solving anything he just freaked out. You didn't like being separated are alone. Man, I don't know, I think it's... I'm not gonna say I was good at any of it. When they were little. It's It's so hard to know what they can take in and what's going to work because at that age, they're all just they're learning. They're learning, learning their own feelings. They're learning communication. Yeah. It's just a process of them learning and you just kind of have to guide them through that process. So I think more than anything is just talking to them about their feelings. Mm hmm. And why things are bad choices. And even at that age, I don't know if they can really kind of put that into action, I think but But it's just the thing you have to keep doing. You just keep doing it. You keep talking, you keep saying, This is why this isn't good hitting not hit, we don't hit because it hurts, you know, you know, they just have to hit that age where they're like, Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Danie 38:16
timeouts work for us a bit have worked for us for a bit. I feel like they're getting to the end of effectiveness. But the we did them a little bit differently. So whenever she would be on a timeout, I always counted to three first. And if she stopped what she was doing, and there was no time out, unless she hit or hurt Phoenix, then it was timeout right away. And I would sit with her. So like she would sit on her bed and I would sit facing her. And she would usually be very upset and crying. Yeah. And then after she calmed herself down a little bit because it never worked to just leave her there. Either she would freak out or she would just get up and play. Yeah, which was not effective. So, I would sit her down and like after she calmed down for like, a minute, then I'd be like, do you know why you're here? And she'd usually just keep crying or not answer. And I would just say, you know, whatever it was, you pushed your brother, you hurt him. You know, we're family, we don't hurt each other. We don't hurt other people, other people don't get to hurt you. And I just explain it and I was like, you can get up now, but you have to go give Phoenix hug and say you're sorry, or whatever. And you have to say where you're sorry. And then you usually don't want to. So then I'd hold her hand and we work out together. And then I would say, okay, Phoenix Nova has something to say to you. She's really hard. 13 month old. Um, and then I would say, uh, you know, okay, no, if I say, you know, say you're sorry, because whatever. And then it used to take a couple promptings and She would say it and then she she's since gotten better. But we also do it with Phoenix hertz Nova, which is usually obviously an accent because he's a baby and he's doing he probably like was trying to walk and fell over or something like that. I'll say, okay, Phoenix, you can't pull novas hair you have to say sorry. And give her a hug. And so then he's just like, obviously he can't talk. He can't say sorry. But it's obviously for novas benefit to be like, yeah. And actually since we started doing that, she I feel like her behavior has improved.

Nicole 40:37
Oh, like seeing somebody else. Go Yeah,

Danie 40:40
cuz I think a lot of her behavior was jealousy. Yeah. So I think seeing us you know, have the same no discipline, yeah, or whatever against Phoenix, even though he doesn't even really know what's going on.

Carrie 40:54
I think that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that is a big part of it is You need to think about why they're doing what they're doing. Because there's gotta be some underlying reason I think in those ages with the younger siblings, I think that's a lot of it. Like, they, they want some attention that their baby brother or sister is getting. Yeah, it's jealousy. You know, there's always like some some underlying reason that you have to get to that you can effectively deal with instead of just being like, it's mean to hit you know, like, Yeah, right. That's not what it's about when it's a little kid.

Danie 41:26
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cuz they don't get that concept. Like they're hurting somebody. No.

Nicole 41:32
Yeah. Yeah, no, I will say that is a lot of what we've been dealing with recently with my oldest family, where she's very much a she's like seeing the attention that her younger sisters getting and then she goes, No, Mommy, Daddy, you sit next to me and like she wants both of them. Or this morning. We were cuddling. No, just me and the girls. And I obviously had to be a little bit closer to the youngest because I don't want her to roll over and fall. off the bed. So Mali was like, Mommy, I want to cuddle you. So she like climbed on top of the sister. I'm like, No, I can't do that. But and she like gets louder whenever sister gets, you know, more attention. She mainly gets louder she gets more sassy and

Carrie 42:20
yeah, it's just so that's the thing you can always there's always a reason it's something and it's understandable when you can like kind of think about it at their level.

Nicole 42:30
Yeah. Which helps.

Danie 42:31
Yeah. Have you ever said like, Hey, I know that you didn't need you know this and you said that you did? Can you? Do you know why you didn't tell me the truth like this? She has she responded to that.

Nicole 42:43
Um, she doesn't fully understand. So we asked her like, Why didn't you tell us what really happened or that way and she goes, I just I having a rough day. Also, she doesn't care about like, sometimes She doesn't eat. We've tried the technique of like, Alright, well, if you don't want to eat then you. You don't have to watch anything. We're not going to watch anything after dinner. Like, that's a consequence of not eating. She goes, Okay. I'll eat better tomorrow and we can watch something tomorrow.

Carrie 43:17
Oh, so she accepts it. She accepted. Okay.

Nicole 43:20
She gets it, but it doesn't faze her. She just like Yeah, I just won't eat today, then.

Carrie 43:25
I think that's, that's the consequences doesn't have anything to do with the action type thing. Yeah, you know, the TV doesn't have anything to do with the eating but I don't know what would.

Nicole 43:35
Right. That's the thing where she like pushed the other day she pushed her. Her plate away from her. She's like, I don't want to eat and she kept pushing it. she eats amazing at daycare.

Danie 43:48
So maybe she's just not hungry.

Nicole 43:50
Yeah, little I think it's all emotion like, both Jared and myself are like watching her and like kind of focused on her. So it might be bad. That she's getting this much attention but she's getting attention I think that's what's going in her head is like this is the one time where mommy and daddy talk to me see me instead of focusing on younger sister

Carrie 44:12
Yeah, I would just not pay any attention to what she eats or doesn't eat

Danie 44:14
yeah what if you're just like alright if you're not hungry You don't have to eat and but you're not gonna get anything else because

Nicole 44:20
yeah, we do that and then oh wakes up the next morning with like a tummy ache. We'll go and then we explained it to her like you know why you have a tummy ache because you didn't eat last night like that's what happens. And she still is like, she doesn't get it

Carrie 44:35
She's three and a half and you can't force the kid to eat. But yeah, right. That's that's one thing. Yeah. You kind of just have to like let it happen because they're gonna do what they want to do. And yeah, yeah, that's how little kids eat. Sometimes they don't

Nicole 44:48
and then that's the thing I don't want to happen though is like I don't want you know, did you guys grow up in where like you had to eat at least one No, thank you bite.

Carrie 44:57
What's Wait, what's a no thank you bite

Nicole 45:00
Where You don't like it? You have to try it one time in order to be Oh, yeah, we didn't call it that. Oh, what did you call it? Just a bite?

Danie 45:11
Yeah, it was. You just have to try it. If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. Yeah, I mean, we just put it like, put it away like for leftovers. Yeah, but it was like, but this is it. If you don't like this. You don't get anything else. Yeah.

Nicole 45:28
Well, that's what we've tried to do where she has to at least have one bite. And that's it. Like that's all we're asking. We're not asking you to finish the whole damn play. Yeah, right. We're saying eat one piece of corn. And she has a meltdown. Like no. I want I don't want her to go through life like only eating chicken nuggets.

Carrie 45:51
That won't happen. I can promise you that right now. He knows I've been through this and I know I've been through the the the torture of like, Oh my God, my kids never gonna get any nutrients. They're not gonna like anything. Yeah, but kids just go through that phase where they don't want to eat stuff and it's infuriating for you, but that's just what they're gonna do. Yeah. Have them definitely keep trying. I think that's the only thing you could do in any situation. Keep trying every meal. Yeah, like consistently be like, try this. Try this. Try this. Yes. And eventually they will get to a point and my kids still, they're very picky. But they have finally gotten to the point where they will take a bite of everything. I asked them to good. They will usually be like, That's gross. I hate it. Yeah, but that's fine. Hey, yeah, baby steps. Yeah, just keep trying. Yeah, you'll get there. Yeah, that's the best. That's the best I can say.

Nicole 46:48
Yeah. I hate being a parent sometimes.

Carrie 46:50
I know sometimes. It's really really, really hard hard.

Nicole 46:55
I have a T shirt on and says I can't adult today. I feel like that speaks to my soul. right now.

Carrie 47:05
I do think I'm kind of in the sweet spot right now I do think it's easier now discipline wise, in the ages, my kids are because they have a little bit more ability to rationalize. They understand what I'm saying to them. Yeah, they can kind of be like, Alright, maybe what she's saying makes sense, much more than a three and a half year old does. And then I also fear like what's coming when they're teenagers? Because that I'm not sure. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that at all. So I think right now, my six year old, my nine year old, I think I have a little bit of control. Just a little bit. Not a lot. Yeah. So you have that to look forward to. Yeah, I think and it's really easy to kind of have consequences that make sense with what's going on and that really affect them. Like if they're just wildly out of control, and I say, you're done here, you go to your room. That that that means something to them. They do not like being isolated like that. They hate that. Yeah. That works. If I say, all right, well tonight, no, you know if you're gonna act like that, no tablet that's big that works that affects them. They get that tonight. No, my two big things. No tablet or no dessert. You know, no sweets. Yeah, those are the things that works. Yeah. So you're gonna have that to look forward to Sunday. There's gonna be those like two things that you have that you can like, hold on to. Yeah, be like, Listen, you act like that. Kids Act like that. Don't get a tablet. That's just how it goes. Yeah. And it actually works. Nice. So that's good. So what for four more years?

Danie 48:53
Four more years. Great. We're almost there.

Carrie 48:55
Yeah, you got it. You got this.

Danie 48:57
And on that note, we actually have more To say about the topic than I thought, but we are definitely in our time. Yeah. So we might revisit this topic because I see there's a lot of notes. Yeah, I still have a thing to talk about. But listeners, even if you're not, patrons, we'll still listen to you. You can email us at WomenAFpodcast@gmail.com. If you have any advice or good stories about discipline, we don't know what we're doing and we would appreciate it the advice or you can find us on all the socials, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram at Women AF podcast or womenAFpodcast calm. We are Women AF and we know you are too.

Unknown Speaker 49:54
Women AF is produced by mortar box media and engineered by Adam Rostad, intro and outro Music is by Shane Ivers. Check him out at Silverman sound calm and don't forget to subscribe and leave a review

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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